“A black woman is no different to any other woman”
By Akilah Holder – Trinidad Express – March 08, 2013
I was standing in my local mini-mart one day, waiting to be served and minding my own business, when this scruffy and questionable-looking black man who had walked into the mini mart began eyeing me. From the corner of my eyes I had noted that he was eyeing me, and had thought to myself, “Oh gosh, here we go!”. As I had anticipated, this “character” walked over to me and began hitting on me. I shot him a look intended to convey “Ugh! Please!” At that point, I looked away. And I must have succeeded in communicating the meaning that I had wanted because he persisted, “why you have to treat me like I is a beast?” Yep, green verbs and all! I responded “because you are acting like one,” and so aggravated was I, that I was about to spit out “and you look like one too,” but I thought to myself “Look, Akilah, hush, jus hush”.
He stopped, but not before adding “Why my people so boy, why we so?!” I did not even bother, I just ignored him. But I cannot ignore the premise that seems to underlie his final statement: that as a black woman I should be thrilled that he is interested in me (despite his vagabond, unkempt, very “street” appearance and obvious lack of or absence of education), that because I am black I should be able to relate to him, that I should not have class and carry myself like a lady, and that I owe him something by virtue of being black.
Full Article : trinidadexpress.com
18 thoughts on “A Female’s Scorn”
As an educated Black woman I do not relate to you at all. I have been approached by less than savory characters before and found that I could reject them without resorting to ‘dirty’ looks and scorn. Just because someone is less educated or ‘street’ doesn’t mean they are not worthy of a polite conversation but most of us do not feel we need to humble ourselves. Not even going to get into your whole ‘work your butt off’ and get to where I am mentality because it is obvious that you are of a belief that once success is achieved words like ’empathy’ and ‘brotherhood’ go out the window. Im glad that you think so highly of yourself more power to you. But I would also like to remind you that Ted Bundy was a very well dressed and handsome man who killed women, and OJ Simpson was a very clean cut man who murdered his wife. The most beautiful thing about a human being is his soul and a beautiful soul and well educated, well dressed, and well spoken do not always correlate.* This is my very humble opinion*
Good on you most Afro Caribbean women are running to the arms of indian men for love. Indian love is time tested and proven. They stay with their women ( most do) while the brothers believe that they are on earth to be seed planters not nuturer. In Jamaica for instance 60 percent single parenting. In Trinidad I don’t have the data but I am sure it is high.
To the writer point there are too many “sweet men” out there who believe they are sent as gifts to women to sweet talk them. When they meet an assertive young lady they get angry and upset.
so you say most caribbean women are running to the arms of indian men for love .. well ya forget this part same speed they run in for love is d same speed they running out because of ‘licks ‘ … tell d whole truth and nothing but d truth …
My close friend is married to an Afro girl, they get along fine, it took her 10 years to treat him right but today they are cool. My other friend is married to an Afro girl, he treats her as a queen and she treats him as a king. They have 4 children together. As you know the mixed population is increasing…
The article “A black woman is no different to any other woman” (the title of which is a misnomer) exposes the beastly nature of Ms. Akilah Holder who snobbishly dismisses people who she considers beneath her.
Males of all races, and females too, approach people in an attempt to know them better on a long or short-term basis, for small talk, to be mean and mischievous, for sex, out of boredom, out of genuine interest et cetera. Some people could be quite crude and may need a stern handling, but this is not the situation that Ms. Holder describes. She sees a guy who she figures unattractive because he is “scruffy and questionable-looking” and black. She then gives him a scornful glance as though he is scum.
The gentleman is quite right in questioning why Ms. Holder would treat him with indignity. Very sharp of him to pick up that her conduct towards him was crass and shameful. Is he a beast because he appeared not have had academic learning? Is it because he dresses “street?” Or is it because he had the audacity to approach Ms. Holder?
If Ms. Holder is telling the truth that “his final statement [was] that as a black woman I should be thrilled that he is interested in me” that does not take away from her unpleasant and unnecessarily poor attitude towards him. Her contemptuous behaviour invited an unreasonable response. And this is unfortunate because a legitimate discussion could have been had about the alleged statement.
Further, Ms. Holder’s view that most black men “demand that black women acknowledge them because they are both black?” is a gross exaggeration. Males of all races may demand female acknowledgement and subservience to varying degrees because of issues of male ego and arrogance that society as a whole is still dealing with. To single out black males is just plain dishonest. Our history is riddled with examples of non-black males who have forced their belief systems, their political and social ideologies and their bodies on others because of that same notion of male supremacy annexed to positions of economic and political power.
Ms. Holder is also pulling at straws when she complains about the “sistah” or “family” tag. Although many may dislike being called by these terms, I don’t think that they are meant to be degrading. If, however, she can suggest another way that she would be preferred to be called, then that can be put on the table for mature discussion.
Lastly, Ms. Holder’s trying to link “the black people feeling entitled to something from another black”, to her initial argument is silly. That is certainly not a black thing as many may see opportunity in associating with ones that they are familiar with or those who may share common historical or other experiences in hope of profiting from the connection.
Dumping “most” black men and people into negative categories, is Ms. Holder’s way of demonstrating her contempt towards them. Her sense of superiority based on her “level of education” or whatever feeling she may have about her attractiveness annexed to her light skin appearance is making her out to be very ugly indeed.
This is an especially good topic because it is part of the reason why “crime” is running so high in the country. It is part of the nurturing process that deals with class, education, culture, religion (or lack of education),honor and acceptance. It is easy and tempting to say that young black men in particular have “lost it” because they have become synonymous with the word “crime”. Governance today must use different approaches in dealing with the tired subject of “crime” and how it is interpreted by officials with myopic views on the prevalence of criminals in society. The views by by the average citizen in Trinidad is even worse because, most are of the belief that your average criminal is black, unemployed, uneducated, came from a broken family, had no exposure to the formality of proper cultural up-bringing. In the process creates a creature that is loathsome, self hating and culturally bankrupt. I offer to say, “not so fast”. Whilst many of the aforementioned descriptions may very fit the exhibitionist individuals that ends up in trouble with the “law” the general treatment of such behavior is never fitting or are almost as bankrupt as the idea of correcting the behavior. This is not to say that there is no truth in affirming that there are serious problems in the black culture. There is and the reasons might be self-propelling because of lack of accountability on how “change” affect people of different experiences. Historically, black people in the West have had to undergo physical and psychological changes which did not form the cultural norms of their psyche. We have had to make Europeanized adjustments constantly in order to fit in with what is considered “normal” in the culture of the day. The adjustments that we have to make are mostly economic in outlook but have very serious cultural overtones in its cultural significance. Those two realities are what we deal with or cant deal with that causes us to fall by the wayside and therefore puts us on the back wagons to the development trains of progress. This leaves us with the burdens of having to decide (often at an early age) how to position our thinking, on how to develop towards a successful life. The early indicators are always economics and culture, that have many and varied pitfalls and pathways in order to be deemed successful. Most “successful countries” have yet to discover the necessary reforms that are needed in order to steer young people out of trouble and into a mode of correction. Why? because economics and culture will never allow the spending of massive amount of money and psychological initiatives to arrest the downward trends that lead our young people into a life of crime. The experience of that young black woman are aptly descriptive of the character this young black man displays. This is what we see on the street, in the neighborhood, in the parks, on the playgrounds, in the hallways, in the schools, in concerts, on carnival days and in our society in general. Do we have men and women of goodwill who are willing to form initiatives to resolve the issues that these young people face? YES, there are but almost any and everything that we do have to be sanctioned by government and I’m not sure that big democracies like the United States, Europe, Brazil, India and the Caribbean are willing to invest in the resources that it would take to resolve the many and varied reasons for what is considered “crime” in the “successful” developed countries of today.
I find it quite fascinating that the previous commenters are belittling the writer for stating her lack of interest. He asked her, she said no. The pursuer escalated and the writer retaliated in kind. She has the right to reject him. Just because he was black doesn’t mean he gets a pass.
What we sow, we reap.
ah thought just run accross my mind ..ah wonder if the man was light skin , or white … or lets put it this way.. anything but black , ah wonder if her response would of been the same ???
is she upsett because how dare a black man apporach her ? he is beneath her ? or he is both black and beneath her ? or how dare he apporach her with expectations that she respond in the positive and piss of that she did not ? my sister you just write a bunch of educated s**t it is very shallow minded that you walk around judging people by the way they look ,based on that will determine your response ..keep in mind how demeaning you sounded. Look it is one thing to say no, nothing wrong with that and to even expect the other party to accept your answer however is another thing to sound like a snob and think you better than others and quite another thing to write about it trying to give it a new and inprove spin …
‘Guyl no fret, two ah we have fe sweat, & am yu bedroom bully!’
So now we know why Afrikan males are so desired , Si? Oops , but ‘wait a cotton picking moment,’ what’s this? “Afro – Caribbean women are running into the arms of Indian men for love… Indian love is time tested and proven….De mixed population is increasing,”huh? Interesting take by Cuz Mamboo-aka de trolling king/ provocature in chief-as I must say ,I didn’t see this one coming , one bit,since I ,and most of our population , as well as our neighbors in Guyana -South America, thought ,this increase Mamboo alluded to , was due in great measure , to the repeated rapes , by dem savage Afrikan men,’ de more gentle / civilize folks ,were stuck with, once white adored Euro Mssas departed our shores – pardon my broken English ,Sistaz Akilah Holder.
On a more serious note however,I can see the where the author is coming from, and empathize with her plight, as I sense the challenge ,for educated Afrikan females like herself ,(or Terri Mc Millan ,of ‘How Stella got her groove back ,’fame )in finding a mate of comparable status- for all sorts of obvious ,sociological reasons.
Sorry Cuz Mamboo, my cybernetically disingenuous friend, but let me bust your bubble , by saying , don’t kid yourself, into believing that Afrikan women in Trinidad ,are running into the arms of Indo Trini mates,for it just ain’t happening.
Trust me when I say , that the most loyal women when it comes to love within the races , are our Afrikan sisters – irrespective of alleged terrible treatments.Not sure about dem poor neighborhoods, where anything goes , but worst off, men of other races , ain’t running in droves,to get an Afrikan woman to love- unless she has Oprah’s/ Beyonce money, or Michelle Obama / Rihanna clout,feel me?
Just maybe Mmboo, in a next debate , we can start an honest intellectual conversation ,as to whether love , from an Indian standpoint ,can ever be a factor ,in relationships between the sexes ,that involves the cultural practice ,of ‘arrange marriages, and a Dowry system.’
Now mind you, for all of her bellyaching , I am not certain dat Sistaz Akilah Holder , along with other elitest ,Afro Counterparts ,would prefer to trade their position ,with any of her global Sistaz , that have to endure the historical savage treatments ,that saturate our Afrikan Continent, but again, a different discussion ,for another occasion.
Today we choose instead to put a smile on AK’s face , in agreement, with her stella conclusion, after an unfortunate encounter with a low end, simi literate shopper ,that ‘Afrikan men ,are the worst creatures ,on planet earth!’
“I born as a bedroom bully, bedroom bully fuh de guyal pickine!” Sing Busy Signal!
I luv dis land, and it’s mosaic of wonderful, thought intellectually, and more so , ethnically confused ,folks!
Mamoo before you big up Indian men… let us find out about the 200 or victims of incest in Central Trinidad so far for the year 2013…you know who were the victims and who were the perpetrators.
Running to Indian men for what love. You ever heard about an Indian Lover. Give me a break. It shows how delusional some of you can become.
The one thing you must know is that unlike some Indian Men like you who are so traumatized by the black male sexuality that you live in fear of comparisons, we don’t.
Domestic violence is prevalent in Indian Households, as is incest and pedophilia. Talk about hallucination.
Ha, ha! Look at how people getting ketch! I know this is a collegial forum, but I had to write the first line of my reply in the inimitable trini vernacular.
With that said, I am no hypocrite. I have to admit, I fall for the bait at times, but not this time. As has been pointed out, Mamoo is an online provocateur who seeks to get a rise out of people; or at least I hope so. He could not have, gasp, really believed what he was saying. If so, well, uhhhm, the less said about his, ermmm, comments the better.
On the main topic of the blog, namely the “Dear Diary” type entry that has generated some interesting responses, well, the unfortunate lothario certainly did not take rejection in stride, that was the only thing he did wrong in this situation.
Otherwise, he was within his rights to give it a go.
Carpe diem, right?
And the young lady was within her rights to reject him.
Since when is it unacceptable to reject the advances of someone who you find unattractive?
Are you obligated to accommodate the crude advances of someone primarily based on racial similarity?
We all have the right to choose. We all have the right to make summary evaluations of others based on their appearance,ability to communicate and mannerisms.
We do not conduct our daily lives in a social working capacity.
Uhmm, where in my previous post did I say that she was not within her rights to reject him? Please point me to the line and sentence.
I said that he was wrong in not taking it in stride. If you took that to mean I was criticizing the lady for her preferences, well what can I say. That was not my intention.
Cuz Mamboo, this ain’t your day’ me think,’as you have litterally ,opened up – what we say in maybe local , or foreign parlance- a can of worms, with this erroneous , over de top claims ,about ‘Indian love.’
Can’t blame them however Mamboo, as most are right on de money, in their respective commentaries . As a matter of fact Mammoo, ‘ me think ,’ that not only is George Jones , and Jerry Colin’s Hussain,correctly lamenting the despicable state of women , and kids ,in certain, unmentionable enclaves ,across Central, and similar sourroundings, but ain’t it correct to say , that our fervent, caring , and dedicated Afro -Trini Social Worker/activist , in former ,PP government Minister ,Sistaz Verna St Rose ,was fired ,by ‘Her Majestick Queen K,’simply because ,she had the audacity to demand ,dat uprooting incest , rapes , and other revolting acts of social abuses ,should be a priority , and not continually ignored ,not only in sectors ,of ‘Kinky Head Nation,’ but across de hills, valleys, and gullies , of our multi ethnic / cross racial , and culturally diverse nation ,as a whole?
On the serious subject at hand , you are correct Triniamerican, our love lorn buddy, did not take his rejection in stride , and maybe that was the only crime committed, but ain’t it true ,’dat stuck up , condescending freaks ,’often bring out the worst in some of us.
Tell me that deep inside , you too don’t wish dem …. Well, fill in de blanks, as you enjoy this flashback video classic, that saw the emergence of Rapping Icon Snoop. “Ain’t nothing but a G thang baby!”
My heart goes out to Teri Mc Millan, de women , only made about 10 billion writing love / hate biographical novels , berating Afrikan males- from waiting to exhale, to How Stella get her grove back. She eventually leave 7 million ‘Afrikan Amerikan males,’in America , to go to ,of all places , hell hole Jamaica ,on her sex tourism escapades,only to pick up some gender bending , alleged sexual stud, but more so a con artist , who fleeced her of millions, en route to getting his real desire, a Yankee Green Card.Go figure!
Poor Luryn Hill, who made her money , as a low talented Yankee Rapper ,from some poor sector of New Jersey, but none of the low end brothers ,De highly educated Sistaz Akhila Holder, is lamenting about ,was good enough for her ,and so what does she do for love? Run off to Jamaica , to foolishly hook up with ‘one oh de Weed smoking/philanderer, in Brother Bob , aka de master Rasta, simi talented son.
He in turn help spend out her money , stick her with 6 , out of wedlock kids, in six years, and now she is broke, and is looking at jail time in an Yankee Prison, for Tax evasion,he in turn ,pick’s up a young beautiful Brazilian Chica,to have more fun!Go figure !
Should I add, the culturally comatose, highly educated ,UWI legal luminary ,mass player/Miss T&T , turn global beauty queen , and her Yardee escapades? No , ain’t worth it, as if Uncle Ramlogan , our high end AG ,has his way , she too would be soon sitting in some Prison cell, for some opaque financial malfesience.
Aaaaahhhh de historically confuse , post slavery ,Afrikan female,& yes, my heart bleeds for dem too! I am going to go out on a limb Triniamerican ,and say , dat one day ,she would wake up , and there would be no one to love – unless of course , they are named ,Penny Commissiong,Gesille La Ronde, Hale Berry,or heavens forbid, Condi Rice.
I however digress, and again , a different issue , for another occasion.
The article written by Akilah Holder echoes the sentiments of many unconscious females. The arguments raised in her article are neither original nor based on any deep understanding or insight. Akilah’s views are instead a mask for her deep-seated resentment towards blacks and therefore herself which are deeply rooted in racism.
Our colonial past has influenced how we evaluate and judge individuals and groups; we class each other based on these ‘values’, nothing more. We learn to judge the worth of someone based on how much money they have, what they look like, what type of car they drive, where they go eat, where they shop and as Akilah so glaringly pointed out, what they wear and how they speak. I have seen this measuring stick used over and again with no real knowledge of its genesis in a history steeped in colonialism. There can be no moving forward without this analysis. The ‘values’ we aspire and cling to and that have formed the basis of our interaction are ‘values’ adopted by whip and humiliation.
Akilah’s words showcase how strongly she buys into a system that gives an insurmountable amount of privilege, ‘free pass’ and ‘get out of jail free cards’ to whites. A black man needs to be ‘polished’ if he is to get a foot in the door and would not get a tenth of the privileges afforded to whites. Racism can be as subtle as this. A justification for Slavery was Africans were only partially human; three fifths of a man. Africans were deemed, “unkempt”, “vagabonds”, “uncivilized” and have spent decades, superficially ‘polishing up’ their image so that persons like Akilah and the like would be comfortable being in their presence. “An individual is defined by his or her social situation, not race”, by making this statement Akilah has shown how aloof and uninformed she is. In a world where issues like racism and colorism are no longer pertinent maybe social class would be given a larger weight. However, these issues as evidenced by Akilah’s statements, are very present. Racism and colorism rear their ugly heads in many ways and in many situations, some more subtle than others. The subtleties of some racist acts are what maintains it in this system, some are just not fully aware of it; this leads to uninformed statements, bogus ideals and the perpetuation of racism.
It is with this limited information that Akilah whether conscious of it or not could ‘suppose’ black women to be like any other women. We learn in schools that black history; our history starts with slavery. Our schools neglect to attempt teaching a history before our four hundred years of rape and murder. Akilah being just as mis-informed is not only attempting to erase our history pre-slavery but her attempts are also at erasing our history of enslavement and the residual effects of it by her statement. For much of our recent history, we have been, enslaved, raped, beaten and humiliated, yet Akilah insists we are no different from other women. Black women today are still suffering from the lingering effects of colonialism (racism,sexism,sizeism,colorism). As we remove the layers that form the basis of our interaction, we would come to realize that most of what we hold to be true cannot stand up to real scrutiny.
This discussion continues to be civil, interesting and informative. The opinions/observations reflect the growing pains of an intellectually emerging society. And of equal importance, the fact that we are not cultural templates. Most importantly, without being asked, everyone left their “Guns” at the door.
There is nothing worst than a disingenuous bloke ,people ! Well ….., I take that back.How about selectively outraged ones, who behave like ‘ cat cut their tongues,’when it comes to revolting ,culturally driven acts ,committed chiefly by fellow tribal members-especially as they relate to treatment of females.
Here we have Cuz T- Man feigning concern ,for neo-elitist Akilah Holder,whis his ,” we all have the rights to choose….are you obligated to accept the crude advances of someone primarily based on racial similarity?”
Well , I’ll be … & let me speak for all ‘de bohemian savages,’ apparently, of Kinky head nation T-Man , by saying yes,and no respectively.
In a similar vein ,let me enquire : – Are women of the tribe free to choose their mates, and decide who to date or not , or should they be obligated to succumb to opaque cultural practices , that accepts arranged marriages , and denounce females ,who dare engage in interracial relationships- particularly with folks ,the clan naively think ,are their inferiors?
I hear your point Errol, but in all fairness , some of us big picture folks , have been deliberately hash on Sistaz Akilah, as we sense where she was going with her over the top reactions, to a well intentioned ,but in her eyes , an obvious ,lower class , despicable bloke.
Unfortunately however, this guy – due to this traumatic experience -would never ever dream to look at, much less ask for a number , and worst yet ,attempt a date ,with any Afrikan female , from T&T , to Timbucktu, or South Carolina, moving forward.
His choices would be now limited to ‘Indian Gals ,’just like pro PP,Soca entertainment idol ,Marchel Montano, Mucho caliente , Latina chicas , prefered by the likes of former LA Governor ,Arnold Schwarzenegger ,and basketball guru ,Kobe Bryant ,or better yet, dem sexually adventurous ,white females,who saturate our shores(on certain tourism escapades)in similar manner to Tobago football star ,Dwight York, or Trini Cricketing ace ,Brian Lara, and therein lies de Trini , ethnic dilemma , hmmmm? Just kidding!
If only we de more intellectually savvy progressives , can save our usually normal females , from the ‘all sex is rape, neo feminist , Euro-centrist predators ,’ then think about the countless, win / win possibilities, when it comes to gender relations ,ehhhh,fellow folks, who really care?
I luv this land, and let me reiterate for de record,that the self loathing folks , who can make me despise it , along with it’s beautiful ,mosaic of peoples, ain’t born yet, Si?
Comments are closed.