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Summit rules rule *LINK*

Summit rules rule

KEVIN BALDEOSINGH Friday, April 10 2009

As you all know, the Fifth Summit of the Americas starts next Friday. However, you may not all know the exemplary manner in which, as citizens of Trinidad and Tobago, you are expected to conduct yourselves for the momentous three days of this illustrious event in the annals of the history of TT. That last sentence, in fact, is the first expectation: that everybody should talk as though they swallowed a dictionary with a draught of Pepto-Bismol. Which shouldn’t be a problem for UWI academics, religious zealots, or government communications officers.

This rule, however, need not concern the majority of citizens, who probably have better things to do than make pseudo-intellectual assertions, volunteer to hang murderers, or lie. But they may want to get a glimpse of the various international leaders who will be attending the Summit. No doubt arrangements will be made to do so, such as lining up small children in the hot sun when the motorcades are passing by. All ordinary citizens who wish to take part in such events, however, need to know the proper protocol. Thus, when Summit leaders are passing by, people will be expected to put appropriate expressions on their faces, such as admiration for Barack Obama, awe for Hugo Chavez, adoration for Evo Morales, and all of the above for Patrick Manning.

Citizens must also ensure that their homes and yards are suitable to receive visitors, just in case Obama decides to lime with some ordinary folk. People should spare no expense in fixing up their homes, even if they have to go without food or medicine in order to do so. Low-income individuals who may not be able to afford renovations are advised to sell a child, since they have too many anyway.

Citizens should also know the proper conduct for the security zones which have been set up in and around Port-of-Spain. The yellow zone, for example, has been so designated because you should be frightened to enter it. Security personnel in this zone will try to intimidate you, unless your bra-size is 38D and you’re the outside woman of a high-ranking politician. Anyone else in the yellow zone can expect the usual bad manners, bad attitude, and bad breath from local police officers. But even outside women must behave in a lady-like manner for the three days. The only wine seen at the Summit should be bottled, and the only jam should be in traffic (but citizens are urged to stay home so the Summit leaders will be impressed by the country’s clear, well-paved roads). All women should wear cosmetics in order to match the recent road-paving and power-washing, but should tell everyone it’s just coincidental that they put on their lipstick, eye-shadow and rouge at the same time they’re going out.

Then there’s the blue zone, the second most secure area, which has been given this colour because in it you can be beaten till you’re black-and-blue. (Well, actually, just blue, since if you get beat is probably because you already black.) Generally speaking, it won’t be smart to enter this zone wearing three-quarter shorts, gold chains, or dark skin. Anyone who is poor and black is expected to behave as though they are well-off and non-ghetto. If they cannot do so, they are expected to follow the example of the vagrants in Port-of-Spain and hide until the Summit is over.

Similarly, any Beetham resident caught peering over the berm when a motorcade is passing will be arrested and charged for embarrassing the Prime Minister. Mind you, these rules don’t apply only to Afro-Trinidadians. Indo-Trinidadians, too, are required not to act as though they’re Trinis born and bred, in case Obama asks Manning why his Cabinet doesn’t have any elected ones.

Finally, there’s the red zone, which has the highest security rating and that colour code because blood can be spilt within this area. If you are in the red zone, it is not advisable to be Muslim, bearded, or cokey-eye. It will be legal for security officers to shoot anyone who looks at Obama as though he is the anti-Christ. Pastors who think women shouldn’t have a choice, and who have applied for a gun licence in the past, should therefore pray to God for divine protection or a brain.

Once citizens follow these rules, TT is guaranteed to have a successful Summit in which the leaders of the Americas learn little or nothing about the host country.,98278.html

Trinidad and Tobago News

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