This version was retrieved from my e-mailbox.
My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have
spoken, and spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to
offer my concession.
I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the
American people. Though the people disagree with the
President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote
for him. I never saw that coming. That's really
special. And I mean "special" in the sense that we use
it to describe those kids who ride the short school
bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating
pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.
I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's
pretty powerful stuff, and I didn't see it. So let me
take a moment to congratulate the President's
strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on
the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well,
that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain
kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number
of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as
their biggest issue, those people changed history. The
folks who consider same-sex marriage a more important
issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd
have thought the election would belong to them? Well,
Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that.
I concede that I put too much faith in America's
youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the
President, with your friends and classmates dying
daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future
being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax
breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and
watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic
hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact
same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck.
Seriously, you do.
We in blue states produce the vast majority of the
wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you
in the red states receive the majority of the money
from those taxes while complaining about 'em. We in
the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked
by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are
gung ho to fight a war in our name. Blue state
civilians are the actual victims and targets of the
war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones
standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it
on!" More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe
that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I'm
impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters
who might die in this war know it's not true, the
people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to
attack know it's not true, but those of you who are at
practically no risk believe this easy lie because you
can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that
I really envy that luxury.
There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that
now is the time for healing, to bring the nation
together. I concede that. Healing? We, the people at
risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you,
the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms
about the heartland of America while that heartland
insults and excoriates us... we wanted some healing.
We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to
us, largely because of your high moral values. You
knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't
need to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the
world, doesn't need to provide for its future. Hell
no. Not when it's got a human shield of pointy-headed,
atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are
willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain
hope of winning a vote that we can never have. Because
we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are supposed
to respect your values while you insult ours. And the
big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just
that. It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but
it's a joke all the same.
And I make this pledge to you today: In the next
election, there will be no pandering. Next time we
will not pretend that the simple folk of America know
just as much as the people who devote their lives to
serving and studying the nation and the world. They
don't. I'm talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed
yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you
redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped
grade-school grads. Thank you, and may God, if he does
in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.
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